Alan Around The World!

Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

San Francisco, The Goodbye Girls, And The World's Most Advanced Toilet.

In tha last week we have traveled across California through Death Valley, Yosimite, and onward to San Francisco. The city lived up to it's reputation and we did many of the requsite tourist things as you can see in the pictures on Facebook, but the most fun we had was just driving around the city. Unique architecture, diverse neighborhoods, a million restaurants and odd shops, and the people seem very nice, polite even. SSeveral days driving in a confusing city and no people cutting me off or flipping the finger. Nice.
One highlight for Deanna was at the Coit Tower, what she claimed was the "World's Most Advanced Toilet". Well now, that I have to try. The man in front of me entered, the door autonaticall and sllloooooowwwwly creeped to close. He sure seemed to make the most of ot because he took a full five minutes. Water ran, stopped, ran again. The sound of air rushing was followed by more water. Paper was dispensed, water ran. Finally the door creeped open and he departed. I entered. I pressed the start button. Right, I said the start button. Nothing. Press again. Nothing. The man returns to tell me I have to exit and allow the toilet to go through it's "cleaning cycle". What? I exit, door creeps closed, cycle seems to totally repeat and then the door opens allowing me in. Finally, I am in the World's Most Advanced Toilet.
I pee. That took 15 seconds. Then I waot 3-4 minutes and all sorts of water runs and air blows, toilet flushes, on and on. From the wall behind me water gushes out and through cracks, under my shoes, just under. Longer pants would make this the world's most likely to PISS YOU OFF toilet. Finally the door creeps open to alloow my escape. I probalby already have to pee again!
Deanna, your turn. Right after the cleaning cycle.
Ridiculous.
And then the girls went home, flying home from San Francisco. Leaving the airport I will confess the car was silent, heavy, sad. It sucked. Funny, Deanna called me a couple of days later and said that once she was home she didn't know what to do with the lack of activity, nothing planned to do.
Of course it is a mixed blessing. No conversation ll day. No arguments. No dining companions, I buy dinner for one rahter than three. The budget has breathed a HUGE sigh of relief.
Now, it's off to Willow Creek and Bigfoot Country.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Bad Stomach Day On The Road!

Have you traveled? Have you ever had to go, really go? You know what I mean... to the bathroom? When it was impossible.

Sometimes the best travel tales are the only funny or interesting in retrospect. They are foten horrible at the moment. Yesterday I had such a moment. We had arose later than normal and had a large lunch. Rather than a leisurely morning to allow things to sort themselves out we set out on the road, myself at the wheel. I should point out that at the moment we find ourselves in Santa Cruz, Ca.

In Texas it seems that every exit on the freeway has half a dozen restaurants, gas stations, restrooms. Here on the coast highway from Santa Cruz to San Francisco the exits seem mostly devoid of business activity. There lies the problem in this tale and that drive yesterday.

Several miles out of town I imeediately felt that rumble in the gut that says stopping is imminent. Scanning the horizon I watched an exit slip by that actully had some semblence of the possibily of a restroom. Knowing from a previous drive the day before that the next exit was quite distant my stomach immediately tightened into a knot.

Miles ticked by and the torment increased until finally in the distanc ehter appeared an exit from the freeway. My stomach forced my eyes to scan the exit, the bushes, the side of the road for possible lacations to find relief. Nothing seemed possible, all offices, homes, open spaces. I whipped the Scion into a side street and up a hill and with drooping hope and twisted bowels realized it was only homes. The road curled upward qucick, each new curve revealing a new home.

How badly has your own body tormented you before? I had no choice but to make the most of a bad situation. This involved grabbing a roll of the only apper available, paper towel, hopping from the Scion with instructiions to Lexi to just drove, and scaling a steep hillside in search of a private moment.

My eyes crested the peak of the hill to reveal the inevitable home. Damn it. I DO NOT CARE. I crossed the drive to the seemingly empty home and slid down a brushy hillside into the closest thing that looked like privacy. Crouching in the scratchy brush with thoughts of poison ivy, snakes, spiders, coastal hillbillies, I did what I had to do! I did.

Of course a car on the private hill would cause a woman to emerge from a nearby home to look aorund, She bore a creepy resemblence to Kathy Bates in the movie 'Misery'. The Scion crept along the rim of the hill slowly, attracting even more attentiion.

Enough of all that. I skulked to the vehicle and slipped into the driver's seat and made my way out of the neighborhood. The woman in the yard avoided all eye contact. Of course the girls thoroughoy enjoyed my moment of weakness and loss of control.

I wonder if one of the homeowners eventually went to the brushy hillside to see what that man was up to. Keep in mind the back of the Scion has 'Alan Around The World.com' on the window.

No angry messages yet!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Royal Gorge. 1,053 Foot High Suspension Bridge.

Say Goodbye To The Ground, Say Hello To The Sky

The title above is the billboard motto of the Roayl Gorge Bridge, but at 1,053 feet above the river it might be better if it read 'Say Hello To Dizzy Spells'.We visited right about closing in the evening as the sun set on the canyon wall horizon. Most tourists had already drifted back to hotel and restaurant and we pretty much had the entire site to ourselves.You not only can walk across, you can drive across. The roadbed seems to be 3 inch thick boards on metal I-beams. Seeing the river through the cracks as you walk is definitely disconcerting.Lexi did not enjoy the swaying sensation or height but wanted to ride the bungee cord contraption that throws you out over the canyon. Go figure.The funniest thing that has happened so far was when I took a shortcut off of I-70 to Empire, CO. The graqvel roadbed was like a washpan and as we drove we hit a major series of ruts. We all looked up just in time to see one of the Scion's hubcaps roll away faster than the car. I slowed to retrieve the hubcap but an oncoming car, having no place to swerve or turn, ran over the hubcap and it exploded into dozens of pieces. Our jaws hung slack, waiting for the other car to stop. Instead he sped off in a cloud of dust and we burst into laughter. To see more Royal Gorge pix visit my Facebook album.

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